Hen Night Planner » Hen Night Survival Guide

Hen Night Survival Guide

Darling, there's plenty. It is traditional for a bride to wake up the day after her hen night wondering if her boyfriend/mother/boss/mother/mother will ever speak to her again. That's if she can wonder anything at all through the blinding agony of a red wine and Bacardi hangover.

Avoid messing up the entire rest of your life by sticking to our hen night survival rules. Do not just commit these rules to memory. Print them out, blow them up (size, not explosives) and make washable, sickproof laminates for every hen. Disregard at your peril.

Rule 1: MOB is banned

That is, mother of the bride. We're sure she's lovely and that, but invite her and she'll get drunk and cry with lots of noise and snot, for no clear reason. This is not conducive to a decent hen night. She will also be crap at the celeb name game.

If you openly fail to invite her she may be hurt deeply, so the only option is to lie. We'd suggest picking a mother-proof activity and pretending that it's your hen deed of choice. Go-karting, bungee jumping and paintballing are good; pampering and strip clubs are not. (Middle-aged ladies dream of strip clubs.) This allows her to turn down your invitation with grace and maybe even a bottle of Riesling. If she still wants to come, tell her you've banned alcohol because you're saving yourself for your wedding day. Watch her turn down that invite quicker than you can say "mother's ruin".

Rule 2: Dress like a proper girl

Even if you really are planning on one of those mother-proof action doo-dahs, there's something very wrong about wearing jeans and a paintball safety mask for your entire hen day. At least raid the dressing-up box when you get home. This also applies if you've spent all day in an algae wrap.

If you're heading for the pub or club or just lurching from one licensed establishment to the next, do the dressing up first and stay dressed up until you drop. We'd recommend a cheeky tipple to kick things off, because you'll be far happier donning sequinned nipple tassles and running around with glow-in-the-dark condoms hanging off your ears when you're already slightly zoinked. An L-plate and a veil are, of course, compulsory.

Rule 3: Know your cure

Wherever you celebrate the end of your freedom, and even if Mum refuses to stay away, you can guarantee one thing: you will wake up the next morning feeling like a Bull Mastiff has crawled out of your mouth and is now nailing a sideboard to your head. Honey understands; she's been there. But she has ways to help you avoid the hangover demon, or at least make him sit quietly for a bit. Here, then, is our survival guide within a survival guide.

METHOD A: Hair of the dog

Science: It makes you slightly drunk again, thus postponing the agony.

Advantages: Convenience. Many's the time that Honey has woken up with her face stuck to the carpet and a half-empty bottle of Stolly right in front of her nose.

Disadvantages: You will have a filthier, more bastardy hangover later on.

Example: Half-empty bottle of Stolly.

METHOD B: Full English

Science: Food is what your body needs. A breakfast rich in carbs and protein, washed down with some nice milky tea, helps restore order.

Advantages: Mmm toasted bacon sandwiches…

Disadvantages: Someone has to cook, or you have to live near a greasy spoon. Bafflingly, no-one has yet launched a Full English delivery service.

Example: Toasted bacon sarnie, sausage, egg, beans, chips, mushrooms, black pudding, fried tomatoes, milky tea, can of fat Coke.

METHOD C: Half booze, half food

Science: Make a boozy cocktail that includes fruit and/or eggs, and you're combining the agony-postponing effect of Method A with the nutritional boost of Method B.

Advantages: It's like cocktails, but good for you.

Disadvantages: Someone has to get up and make it.

Example: The Banana Cow is rich in demon-killing potassium. Mix one crushed ripe banana, 3 tbsp whole milk, 3 tsp sugar and 1 shot of rum. A Bloody Mary, containing 3 measures tomato juice, 1 measure vodka, 1tsp Worcestershire sauce and some other stuff, is meant to have mystical powers.

METHOD D: Pre-emptive strike

Science: Drink lots of water before you go to sleep and your body will wake hydrated. Dehydration is the engine of a hangover.

Advantages: Water is free. You get it from a tap. Genius!

Disadvantages: It's 4am. You're too pissed to care.

Example: Water, duh. Or fruit juice.

METHOD E: Drugs

Science: Ibuprofen-based painkillers are reckoned to reduce swelling in your brain. Which can only be a good thing.

Advantages: No-one has to cook a Nurofen.

Disadvantages: But have you got any in the drawer?

Example: Nurofen, or Alka Seltzer for dicky guts.

METHOD F: Willpower

Science: An untreated hangover lasts about three hours from whenever you get out of bed. Thus, an untreated hen night hangover lasts about six hours from whenever you get out of bed. Try to sleep it off, and it'll still be there when you get up. Get up, have a shower, watch the 'Stenders omnibus, and you'll soon feel OK.

Advantages: This is the zen way to cure a hangover. Just imagine how smug you'll feel afterwards.

Disadvantages: It hurts.